What is Resistance?
I love resistance.
It honestly, truly, cross-my-heart brings me joy when people who seek me out for therapy express the parts of them that don't want therapy, healing, recovery, or whatever else they initially expressed that wanted to get from our work together.
The trick is - I don’t believe that resistance is bad. Or that resistance is really even resistant at its core.
But what do we even mean by resistance?
Resistance versus Motivation
Usually resistance is framed as not doing something or not wanting to do something. And that it is bad to not want to do that thing. Maybe it’s not making changes in my diet to include more nutritious food or not wanting to take the time outside of therapy sessions to do the exercises or reflections that my therapist suggested.
In a recent workshop, someone used the metaphor of resistance being like a really strong wind. You’re trying to walk forward in one direction (motivation), but there is a wind that is blowing so strongly against you that you feel like you can’t move forward, or maybe even like it is starting to push you backwards (resistance).
The focus is the tension between the force of the wind and the attempt to move in a particular direction. It is motivation versus resistance. I want to get fit versus I don't want to go to the gym.
What gets called “resistance”?
The only reason we say that someone is being “resistant” in these situations, though, is because they seem to be going against what they “should” do.
For example, maybe I’m trying to include more nutritious food in my diet. And yet the fruit and vegetables I buy always go bad in the fridge because I never choose to use them in my meals. I would only be considered “resistant” in this scenario because I have set a goal that is generally accepted as good (eating nutritiously) and I am not following through with it (rotting produce).
Resistance in Three Parts
When we talk about resistance, there are (at least) three parts of us at play:
the “motivated part” that wants a particular goal
the “resistant part” that seemingly works against it
the “judge” who has decided that what the motivated part wants is good, therefore making the so-called resistant part bad.
Then we go around and around with these three parts - the motivated and resistant parts pitted against each other and the judge egging them on.
The Motivation of Resistance
What if we called a truce for a minute and stepped back long enough to ask the question, “What direction is the wind blowing?”
In other words, instead of just focusing on what the resistance is going against, we could ask the question, “What is it that the resistance is actually heading towards? What does it hope to get by going against the motivation?”
When we genuinely ask that question, the answer will always show that what is thought of as resistance - as going against something - actually wants something for us. Resistance itself has a motivation just like the wind has a direction. It’s just a different direction than the so-called motivated part thinks we should be going.
What that means is that these parts are not actually what they appear to be, and that all three of them are motivated - just by different things.
Perhaps the judge is motivated by wanting to do the “right” thing and avoid negative consequences of doing the “wrong” thing. The motivated part is still motivated to do what it believes is good for us. And the resistant part is motivated to get something that seems to be at odds with what the motivated part wants.
Should we even call it resistance?
In some way, this whole project is a misnomer because “resistance” isn't actually about resistance at all. Resistance, like every part of us, is just trying to take care of us by moving towards something that we want. No matter what it looks like on the surface.
I will keep calling it resistance for the sake of knowing what we're all talking about. But the invitation stands to look beyond that label.
Resistance is not just about what we don't do or don't want to do. The real question is: What does it mean about what we do want?
Let’s Connect
If you are interested in working with your own or your clients’ resistance, you can check out my offerings for seekers or for professionals. I’d also love to hear from you directly.
