What should I ask a therapist in a discovery call or first session?
Beyond the Basic Questions
You can find a ton of articles and blog posts about the basic questions to ask a therapist when you first meet with them. They include questions about their background and training, their years of experience, the types of clients they have experience with, etc.
What most of those lists aren’t going to include, though, are questions that will help you know how a therapist handles the more challenging moments of therapy. And while I might be biased, my experience as a client and as a therapist is that most of the irreparable ruptures I have experienced are as a result of working with some resistance that has come up.
As a more overtly “resistant client” myself, these are the questions that I ask a therapist when I am exploring working with them, as well as what I specifically look for in their responses. They might be particularly helpful if you have struggled to find a good fit with a therapist or if the prospect of “therapist dating” feels too daunting. (Let alone how daunting it might feel to then show up for six sessions only to realize that the therapist actually can’t handle feedback and/or doesn’t know what to do with your “resistance.”)
I’ve also added in how I as a therapist respond to those questions. This can give you as a prospective client a sense of what a response might sound like. These responses can also be a reference point for other therapists reading this who want to to build trust in the therapeutic relationship with clients who might be thought of as “resistant”. (Pro tip for therapists: Only say things that are true for you! These responses are based on the specific modalities I use and my particular approach, but I encourage you to adapt them to your own.)
1. How do you work with a client when they feel stuck or “resistant”?
What to look for: The feeling that the therapist doesn’t have a problem with stuckness or resistance and that they aren’t going to try to push through it. If you want a therapist who is going to be truly effective with the places you get stuck, you will want them to have curiosity about what is going on that is getting you stuck and not see it as a problem. (Bonus points if they get curious about what that stuckness might mean about your deeper needs or wants.)
My response (as the therapist): Your stuckness or resistance is really important information. It’s usually telling us what your system needs to feel safe or resourced enough to deal with the underlying issues that might need to be addressed in therapy. My experience is that we feel stuck when there are two or more needs in competition with each other inside of us, so I would look to more deeply understand if that’s what’s happening for you in those moments. From my perspective, that is actually the work of therapy - identifying what those needs might be so that they can all be taken into account in our work.
2. How would you ideally respond to feedback from a client that something in the therapeutic process isn’t working for them? Or if they don’t want to talk about a particular topic or do a particular intervention?
What to look for: The sense that the therapist not only welcomes but encourages feedback, and that it is actually necessary for them to do their job effectively. You want to know that they will respond in those situations with curiosity about what would be happening for you in the interaction and would be proactive in responding.
My response (as the therapist): No matter how big or small the issue appears to be on the outside, all feedback is absolutely crucial in the therapeutic process. I see it as information that can support me in my role and help me understand where you’re at in your process. When I get feedback, I would first make sure you feel that I fully understand whatever you’re bringing to my attention and how it’s impacting you. From there, I would ask to see what would be helpful in that moment and would seek to take responsibility for my part, particularly if there was some kind of damage to the trust in the therapeutic relationship. My approach to therapy is completely consent-based, so if there is ever anything that you didn’t want to do or needed to slow down around, there would be no problem at all. I would probably get curious about what happened for you in that moment and explore what feels like the next right thing.
3. How would you handle it if you didn’t respond ideally or responded in a way that didn’t work for the client?
What to look for: The therapist’s comfort with the idea that they are human and can make mistakes. If that’s the case, they should be able to quickly respond with the ways they have likely dealt with these situations in the past and would handle them with you.
My response (as the therapist): Much like with any other kind of feedback, I would seek to understand your perspective and experience first. These situations would especially call for me to take accountability for my impact and to see what needs to be done to repair the relationship. I truly believe that the ability to have something go wrong in the therapeutic relationship and be repaired is one of the most healing experiences we can have, especially if that’s not something we’ve had in our past. However, that’s not always possible. In the worst case scenario, if the relationship felt like it was damaged beyond repair, I would happily make a referral to another therapist and support you in making the transition as smooth as possible.
4. How would you know if there’s a disconnect in the therapeutic relationship or process, even if the client isn’t giving explicit feedback?
What to look for: The ability to describe some of the “tells” that something might not be going well for you as the client and to describe some of them to you. (Bonus points if they take the opportunity to ask you the kinds of things you might do if you’re not feeling totally engaged as a client.)
My response (as the therapist): It’s different for everyone, but some of the nudges for me to check in with you might include you suddenly becoming more tense, quiet, or reserved. I pay particular attention when a client says they do want to do a particular exercise or go deeper on a particular topic, but then I notice that tension, reservation, etc. come up. You don’t have to answer, but I get curious about whether you have any sense of what happens for you in those moments that you would want any therapist you might work with to be aware of.
5. What would you do if you notice that there might be that kind of disconnect without explicit feedback from your client?
What to look for: Comfort with being able to bring up what the therapist is noticing in the therapeutic relationship in a way that would feel supportive to you if they were your therapist.
My response (as the therapist): If we were to work together, I would always bring up things that I notice that might tell me there’s some disconnect happening between us. I don’t assume that there’s definitely a disconnect going on, and for that very reason, I prefer to check in simply so that I don’t make the mistake of assuming. I would likely also have a conversation early on in our work together about what tends to happen for you when you feel disconnected or uncomfortable in an interaction. If there is a disconnect going on with us, I would offer support to explore what’s going on for you, including any reasons why it might be hard to talk about.
Trust & Safety: Beyond Any Questions
This is not an exhaustive list of questions that you could ask to see if a potential therapist might be a good fit. My hope is simply that it opens the door to approaching topics that we might not usually think of when we are looking for a therapist.
More than anything, you can consider this an invitation from a therapist to ask whatever you feel is necessary to create a sense of enough safety and trust before you set up your first appointment.
However you feel after that initial call, trust what the therapist actually does rather than just what they say. A therapist’s answers to these questions can build enough trust or safety to get us in the door, but I always tell even my clients to listen to themselves. I explicitly ask them to collect real evidence about whether they can trust or feel safe with me, knowing both personally and professionally that trust and safety are earned. Even (and I would argue especially) by the professionals you seek out to support you.
Let’s Connect
If you are interested in working with your own or your clients’ resistance, you can check out my offerings for seekers or for professionals. I’d also love to hear from you directly.
